Remnants of Grief: No Filters

I was getting ready one morning just like any other morning and I looked across the room and saw a wad of used tissues on my bedside table. I had almost forgotten about the long night before that but was instantly reminded when looking at these remnant of grief.

I was telling my pastor the other day, "Grief is crazy." That's all I could figure out how to describe what has been this journey the past 4 months. There are days that I'm 100% okay and don't really think about what all has happened, and then there are days where I look down and realize I am wearing an outfit my mom picked out for me (which is usually most of the clothes I wear, thanks, mom ;) ) and nearly lose it in the car. It's almost like a part of my body is missing. I told my Aunt how I feel her absence more and more now that things are settling and trying to back to a "normal" pace. I know that may sounds weird to some, but my mom was my best friend. Yes, we fought like crazy sometimes and drove each other insane but more than that we were really, really close. Close enough to know how to get under each other's skin but at the same time know how each other is feeling without saying anything. I can't say that I've had anyone else that fits that bill. So that's why grief is crazy. It's crazy because there aren't any stages to accurately describe this process.

The other night was probably the first night since mom's passing that everything seemed to hit me. And it wasn't pretty. I couldn't keep my thoughts under control and everything in me seemed to just hurt and scream for God to make everything better. I kept asking and crying, "Why?!" I want Him to take away this pain that is the deepest I've ever known. I was openly honest with God in that moment and told Him that He wasn't fair to heal other people and disregard my mom. It felt personal, and I let Him know it.

A sweet friend of mine described a time in her life when she was mad with God. She told me, "Hillary, it was like I was coming to Him and just throwing blow upon blow on His chest like a child." When she said that, it clicked. That is exactly what I felt like. She reminded me that when we decide not to hide what we are feeling and just come to Him, He 1.) can handle it and 2.) He reveals that's part of His tremendous character. He can handle every bit of my anger, doubting, honesty and my moments when I tell Him that this feels so personal. When I tell Him these feelings and struggles it truly feels like I am just pounding away at Him over and over, like throwing punches in the air. But the fact is: He's still there. He is like a father who holds their raging/fit-throwing two year old (usually against their will) and tightly wraps his arms around them which oddly seems to calm them. I fight it so much sometimes but even in my fighting, while I am throwing punches, He wraps His arms around me and it is almost like He says, "I know, I know. But I'm not going anywhere. Keep it coming. I'm not going anywhere."

That is why grief and suffering are graces from Him. These two words have a lot of negative connotation added on to them. Grace is being given something you don't deserve. I don't deserve to have this understanding and love from Him. I know Him and see Him in a new way. To experience His loving character through this valley is a grace I do not deserve but I am thankful. Like I said in my last post, we normally don't decide that we want  to go through suffering or grief. But as a Believer my "filters" have changed since this season hit. I once saw the Lord as a loving and caring Father (which He is!) who wouldn't really allow "bad things" to happen to His children. But through this suffering and through this grief I can see how He is removing these filters so that I can proclaim what Job said:

My ears had heard of You

but now my eyes have seen You.

Job 42:5 (NIV)

I don't know nor can I begin to understand why God allows (He does not cause them to happen. Sin is the ultimate reason to our pain and discomfort here on earth) circumstances that we don't like to take place, but what I do know is that He will sustain us through it. If you know God* and have claimed Him Lord over your life, He will allow season in your life that you aren't comfortable with. Suffering looks different to each person. I am not saying that you have to experience death of a loved one to know this type of grace. What I am saying is that any suffering: singleness, divorce, struggling in your marriage/home life, death, loss of a job, in any of these circumstances God will uphold you.

And I am sure of this, that He who began a good work

in you will bring it completion at the day of Jesus Christ.

Philippians 4:6 (ESV)

*If you don't know the Lord or claim Him as your Savior, I honestly don't know how you hold up through suffering or loss. Maybe you aren't. I pray that you will see God in the midst of your pain and confusion. I pray that God will send you someone to show you His grace in the midst of this. I cannot answer your questions on your anger or doubt, but I can only tell you, friend, that He is good. He is better. He carries our burdens for us (Matthew 11:28-30) and allows us to rest. That doesn't mean every problem will be solved (at least not here on this earth) nor does it mean that we will be prosperous when we accept Him, but it means that when we know Him and believe in Him we are entrusted into the hands of a Heavenly Father who does only the best  for us (Romans 8). He desires good of you and wants you to know and experience the love He has for you (John 3:16; 1 John 3:1; Romans 10:9-13).

Like I said above, my filter has changed. I am learning to see suffering as a true grace from God. I see Him through a new lens. I had to ask God to rid me of the false lenses/filters I had of Him before this season. I have never been this honest with Him and now because I am journeying through this, I see that I can pound Him with honesty and questions. I may not get an answer right away and I may still be left with feeling pain (this takes time) but it won't be in vain. It won't be wasted in His hands. That has been the theme of this valley. God promises that He is going to make everything right again. He is going to use this season for His glory and my good.

Though He slay me,

I will rejoice

Job 13:5 (ESV)

Whatever my God Ordains is right

His holy will abides

I will be still whatever He does

and follow where He guides

Sweet comfort, sweet comfort

Yet shall fill my heart

Sweet Comfort, sweet comfort, 

Sorrow shall depart

Whatever my God ordains is right

He makes my feet to stand

Though sorrow, need or death be mine

He holds me in His hands

This bitter cup, I take it

May fainting heart restored

So here I stand, unshaken

I trust upon the Lord

He is my God though dark my road

He holds me, I shall not fall

Whatever my God ordains as right

to Him I leave it all